Sunday, March 18, 2012

Being Jealous of a Normal Sixteen Year Old

Sometimes, I really hate Facebook.

Remember when you only knew other people's 'stuff' if you actually saw them or talked to them on the phone?  Or, if it was sad/stupid/illegal enough, then someone else would call and tell you about it?  Now, there is a 24/7 bombardment of status updates and picture uploads to make even the most secure person feel discontent.

Disney cruise?  Check.
Perfectly coordinated family outfits and the on location photographer?  Check.
3 more pounds of weight lost this week, and a new outfit to celebrate?  Check.

To be honest, this does not normally bother me at all.  Seriously, I like looking at the pictures and am glad that someone else got to get away even if I didn't.  But last night, I saw some pictures that just made me mad--
some of Harrison's friends were on the coast for Spring Break.

They weren't unique pictures by any means.  It had the same location and same outfits that most of our friends are posting lately.  And I really like these particular kids.  Most of them have been in our house and even on vacation with us at various times.  I got angry because they are healthy and having fun.  They aren't pale or bald and can walk without crutches or a wheelchair.  Their clothes aren't falling off because they spend more time throwing up than they do eating.

I got angry because yesterday was a 'good day' for us.  Harrison was able to get up and roll through a 5K race to raise money for the children's hospital (the one he hates now).  He was able to visit with family and then go to a birthday party on crutches instead of his wheelchair.  Then he came back home and almost passed out from fatigue, forcing himself to eat and take his meds.  Yep, this was our good day, one that he will end by looking at those same Facebook photos that will make him feel....what?  Sad?  Angry?  Too tired to care?

I won't really know, because he won't want to talk about it, and I totally get that.  He is almost 16.  He should be walking and driving and eating us out of house and home, but he is not.  Hopefully that will not be the case when he is almost 17, but that is a lifetime away.  For now, we will just keep on keepin' on, making the most of the chemo free days that we have for a while.  If I could block out statuses and images of fun from my child, I would.  But I can't.

I didn't stay mad, but I was a little sad for a while.  Then I did a little attitude adjustment and began to mentally list the things I was truly grateful for--no vomiting blood, me being able to finish the 5K unscathed, having a husband that has my back and is a great dad (something the kids in those pictures don't have), extended family members that are stepping up and supporting us through all of this, running water and electricity.  Sometimes you just have to get basic with it all.

But sometimes, I really hate Facebook.

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